December 20, 2010

Ten Years....

I really do not feel that I can adequately put into words how this day has shaped my life. For a long time, I did not like Christmas because of the memories that would come flooding back to me about this day. I can not begin to put into words how much I love my grandpa and how much he meant to me.

Ten years ago, this December 26, my world stopped.

This day will be be burned into my memory and my heart forever.

This day will not be remembered in a good way.

Because nothing good came from this day.

I woke very early the morning after Christmas to the phone ringing and my mother screaming for me to get up, we had to leave the house very quickly. I remember waking up and knowing instantly that something was horribly wrong.  I remember running down the stairs in my pajama's looking for my coat and shoes. My younger sister must have heard what was going and because she was up and in the car with us before we could even ask our mother what was going on. 

All we knew was that we had to come quick.

The three of use were in the car taking off down the road, still in our pajamas and still sleepy from just having woken up. My sister and I had not idea what was going on.

And then my mom spoke. 

She said the words that I had been dreading. My grandpa was dying. We had to go quick if we wanted to say goodbye.

I remember the three of us praying in the car together. My mom was praying that we made it to my grandparents house in time to say our final goodbyes. 

I was praying that none of this was happening. I prayed that somehow my dear beloved grandpa would pull through.  I prayed hard and fast, begging God not to take him. He was too young.

But, it was too late. When we arrived at my grandparents house, he was  gone.

I didn't get a chance to tell him how much I loved him, or that he meant the world to me.  Or that the reason my childhood was so happy and filled with joy and love was because he played such a huge important role in it.  All of my happy joyous childhood memories involved him. He was the perfect example of what love is and should be.

I was too late.

To say all of the things that I felt.


  1. I'm so sorry for you loss! My grandma passed Dec. 14th of last year and it rocked my world. (still crazy hard especially this time of year)
    I was not there when it happened either.
    In cases like these we have to know in our hearts that they knew how much they meant to us because we meant the same to them! I'm sure your grandpa knew how special he was to you!!
    They say time heals all wounds.....what a crock!! ;)

  2. I can completely understand your thoughts and feelings. When my Dad passed in March of 2002 I was in a similar boat. My Mom called me at work and told me I needed to come now, that he was not well. On the way there I was praying harder than I ever had before and thinking, "please don't go, please don't go." But like you, when I arrived at my parents house I could tell by the look on my Mom's face when she met me at the door that I was too late. He was gone.
    How would he ever know how much I loved him and how special he was to me, and what a wonderful Dad he had been? I had just seen him the day before and we were joking around when I left - I told him he needed a haircut and he said I could do it for him-couldn't get any worse than it was now :) Always with the sense of humor. When I left he said, "See ya." He never liked saying goodbye. Me either, because I believe I will see him again one day. I am hopeful that he sees and hears me when I tell my son stories about his wonderful Grandpa and how much I loved him and how much I know he would've loved him too.
    I hope you let the good thoughts and memories get you through your day! L&L, Lyndsay

  3. What a tough day that must have been...
    Hope that your Christmases are now filled with joy instead of too many sad memories.

  4. I am so sorry. Losing a grandparent is so hard. My grandmother passed away right after Christmas 9 years ago and there still is not a day I don't think about her. I also didn't get to say a final goodbye but I know she knew how much I loved her. I hope this Christmas is filled with wonderful memories of your grandfather!

  5. I know how hard it is to lose someone, and the hoidays only make it harder at times. While you were not able to tell him how you felt, I am sure that through your actions over the years you spent together he left this earth knowing that you adored him!

  6. Prayers sent your way...Holidays can bring out more sentimental times because its a time for family getting together. I hope that you don't get too down over the Holiday because of your loss. Life is short and it can be gone in the blink of an pray about it and let God grant you the relief you need in your heart to know that they are in a better place and God is in control. Stay Strong and AlwZ keep pushing ma. *smile*
    Stay Blessed..

  7. I am so so sorry. Each loss is unique, but I know how much absence can sting and I wish you strength and peace over the next week.


  8. Merry Christmas & a Happy Blessed New Year to you & your family! I pray that we will make it to the New Year and if so I will see U there....Lord's will! *smile*
    Stay Blessed...

  9. I think he knew how you felt, and it sounds like he's still very much a part of you.

    I'm sure he's looking down on you smiling right now and proud of who you've become.

  10. I understand how you feel as I went through a similar situation 2 years ago. Even though you didn’t have a chance to verbally tell him how you felt I am sure he knew it. I talk to my grandmother often in spirit and when I wake up at night in tears I write a letter to her. It helps so much just to release all of those pent up frustrations, emotions. I hope you had a wonderful holiday. Peace and Blessings

  11. And I am so happy those happy memories were shaped! I remember the day I lost my grandfather as if it were last week so I totally understand what an amazing grandfather means to a girl. I'm sure he new how happy and in love you were/are with him and I'm hoping you were able to look at his pic on Christmas and smile. Happy Holidays!

  12. This breaks my heart. I hope someday you can look back on December 26 and concentrate on the love and happy times you shared with your grandad.

  13. I am so sorry for your loss. I hope that you will be able to feel some peace eventually, in all the happy moments that you had with him.

    Visiting from TRDC


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